Thursday, November 16, 2006

I ripped out his heart today...

I reached in grabbed his heart and ripped it right out of his chest - my sweet loving 10 year old. I caused him pain and sorrow and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Today I failed as a parent.

Jeff's Grandma died last night -- the sense of loss is overwhelming! I try and find comfort and peace in the fact that I know she wasn't in any pain(thank you Morphine). She died peacefully in her sleep with her daughters by her side. When we were at the hospital last night she didn't recognize anyone -- the medication had her so drugged. There was some sporadic response but not a whole lot. Luckily for us we were also there the night before and she was able to recognize both Jeff and Brendan -- Marilyn called this morning while I was taking Brendan to school. I selfishly decided not to say anything to him at that time -- I knew how he would react and I wanted him to be able to pay attention in school. As soon as he got in the car today the first thing out of his mouth was "What did grandma have to say when she called this morning?" I told him we would talk about it later. When he got home he became my shadow....he followed me from room to room. So I broke his heart --- I'm sure on some level he knew what I was going to tell him but to hear the words he fell apart. I swear I could actually hear his heart breaking into little pieces. Grammy meant the world to him. He doesn't really remember my mom - he was so young when Grampy died - he remembers Mima but since he only saw her once or twice a year it's almost as if she just moved away...and he was younger 4 or 5 when she died -- So this is his first real in your face someone you REALLY care about and see often kind of loss. Grammy NEVER let an opportunity go by to tell him she was proud of him and to do well in school. My children will never doubt that she loved them. She believed that the sun rose and set on them. They will be better people because of her.

We will all miss her so very much. She was a WONDERFUL woman who was loved by many.


Christy said...

You did not fail as a parent. There is no easy way to tell your child someone they love has passed on. All you can do is be there for them when they need to cry, snuggle or just stare into space. You know that I know what I am talking about. You helped my kids get thru the loss of their Papa. It is still hard for them. They still cry at night because they miss him.

If you need ANYTHING at all, please call. If Brendan needs to get away and just hang, please know our home is his home or Whitlee!! Your kids are my kids and I love them as though they are my own.

Our family will always be here for yours!!!