Friday, January 19, 2007


have you ever had one of those moments??? You know the ones --- the giant light bulb appears above your head the universe aligns and the fates open your book to a page and you say "AH HA!!!" I have had one of those moments...........I have been BLUE you know having a hard time getting through the day......tired......ok I have been depressed. I chalked it up to the holidays and the anniversary of mom's death is next week. While packing for the snow trip that we are leaving on tomorrow I had my most recent Ah Ha moment..............I've been trying to shake it off you know really trying but just couldn't............I'm packing Whitlee's stuff and it hits me - 3 years ago Steve flew to California because dad was in the hospital and it didn't look good. I couldn't go because I was SO SO pregnant with Whitters. Dad was on life support and it didn't look good. They told us to brace ourselves. Steve took care of everything keeping the stress off of me and keeping me out of premature labor. Then we all converged in California - Rick, Me, Steven and Susie along with Auntie Kim and Auntie Sue -- Coja, Amber and Johnny -- we were all there!!!! He was off the vent when Jeff and I arrived -- they don't know why but he made it against all odds he was sitting up and breathing and talking and joking. And then things went so strange -- so awful. It's amazing looking back hindsight really is 20/20!!! To be verbally attacked by someone you blindly trust -- such awful things were said to us and we didn't do anything to deserve any of it. Rose-colored glasses shattered - I miss Mima ever much -- I think about her almost daily - it would be interesting to see how things would be...........she wasn't as "blind" or "unaware" as some believed -- I can't even remember how many hours she and I spent on the phone probably the last 6 or so months of her life!!! We talked about A LOT!!!! She would have loved Whitlee so much and yet she would NEVER have ignored Brendan - she would have NEVER made him cry - she would have NEVER broken his heart. She would have never!!!! I guess we really do reap what we sow ----- Karma really has a way of taking care of its own.......My children are what I breathe for each day each minute each second - I would never I could never say what was said to us. Grandchildren are a gift - to hurt one to make one cry. Brendan occasionally talks to me about that night at the restraunt -- I don't know what to tell him. I absolutely REFUSE to make excuses -- yet I don't want to cause him pain..................Sometimes I hate being a grown up.

Since, I have had my Ah Ha moment -- maybe the blues will lift -- maybe this year moms death won't be so hard -- maybe I can start doing cycles!!!!

For now, I am off to pack because we are off to the we haven't had enough right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Christy said...

Life does suck! Just love your kids with your whole heart. They are lucky to have Gary & Marilyn. I hope your trip is fun. Maybe we can get together for me hasn't been so swell either which is why I haven't called lately. I question whether I truly love my children. I don't know that being a mother is for me in the long haul but I am working thru it. Have a great time in the snow...I know the kids will love it. JC will get his staples out tomorrow so he should be doing better.